5 Things we must never say to our daughters (2024)

We all want our daughters to grow up to be strong, independent women. Women who can do anything they set their minds to. But many of the gender stereotypes that limit this are heavily ingrained in our day-to-day. Want to be the change? Here are a few simple things we must never say to our daughters… and why.

5 things to never say to daughters


‘Pink is for girly girls’

Confessions up front. When I was a little girl I was besotted with my Barbie dolls. Passionate about pink. Devoted to Disney princesses. And yet, somehow, I managed to turn out just fine. In fact, I am a loud and proud feminist, parenting author and an educator of teen girls who has devoted my career to empowering young women.

It seems that raising healthy, well-adjusted girls has less to do with the toys they play with and the colour of the clothing they chose to wear and more to do with the values we instil in them.

However, that’s not to say marketers couldn’t do with joining us in the modern age. Despite all the work that’s been done on promoting gender equality, baby dolls and kitchen sets are still often pitched only at little girls, while toys that encourage children to build and explore are often plastered with pictures of little lads.

It is helpful to call into question such stereotypes for our daughters. But it’s not helpful to stigmatise those little girls who want to embrace their inner pink-glitter-ribbons-sparkly-trinkets self.

What the experts say

In her essay‘Betraying Our Girlhood’, feminist and social commentator Clementine Ford argues:

The fierce determination to distance ourselves from anything perceptibly ‘girlie’ only furthers the stereotype that women who like ‘girlie’ things are stupid and one-dimensional – and indeed that girlyness itself is stupid and one-dimensional … I’m not ashamed of being a girl … I know that girls are every bit as complex and nuanced as boys, and they deserve to be treated as such regardless of which toys they played with as children, or if they think camping is a bit gross.

Rather than shutting pink down, we need to ensure girls’ toy boxes and their wardrobes include all the colours and all the range of possibilities.

By also teaching our children to think critically about cultural goods and equipping them with the skills they need to navigate complex cultural messages, we will be empowering them for life.

“Don’t be so bossy!”

While boys who take the lead are praised as leaders, girls who put themselves forward are often labelled as bossy.

When we tell a girl to stop being bossy, we are often telling her to shrink, to talk less, put her hand up less and be less confident. No wonder that by the time our girls reach high school, they experience a significant drop in their self-esteem and are less likely than boys to say they like taking the lead.

This doesn’t mean that girls (or boys) should be encouraged to dominate, intimidate or be overbearing, behaviours that are often rightly recognised as being inappropriate and ineffective. Truly effective leaders learn what works best to motivate their team and inspire others to follow them – not bully them into it.

What to do instead

The next time you see your daughter waving her finger in someone’s face and telling them to do something her way, rather than branding her as bossy (which really doesn’t provide any meaningful feedback on her leadership style), pull her aside and take the opportunity to redirect her. Talk to her about the differences between being passive, aggressive and assertive, and encourage her to become more aware of her body language. When I was a little girl and pointing at others and ordering them about, my wise grandmother, who was very much the matriarch in our family, would say to me, “Danni, you have your bossy finger out. They won’t listen if they see that. Go and try it again in a calm voice with your hands by your side and see if they get why your idea is great then!”

In fact, my grandmother, often unknowingly, showed me what a female leader looked like every day. We are all role models for our children, and as I so often say, girls cannot be what they cannot see. As mothers, we can take pride in the leadership roles we take on and share what we enjoy about being out front rather than feeling that corrosive mummy guilt for spending time away from the home.

In our homes, too, we can show that we value the contribution of female bosses by talking about those female leaders we admire and the skills they possess that impress us. In my house our ‘Hall of Fame’ has consisted of both the fictional and the real – women as diverse as Wonder Woman, Emma Watson, Hilary Clinton and Malala Yousafzai.


“That skirt is sending out the wrong message”

The policing of the way teen girls dress can be deeply problematic and dress codes almost always disproportionately target and shame girls. In fact, almost every teen girl I’ve spoken to has complained that at some stage they have been told things like ‘You’re asking for trouble wearing that!’ or ‘Your outfit is distracting the boys’.

This is the slippery slope that excuses the harassment of girls based on their clothing choice and ultimately may lead them to feel shame about their bodies.

Author, columnist and academic Dr Karen Brooks agrees:

I think what bothers me most about this whole uniform and clothing issue is that somehow female clothing has become a visual barometer used to measure a woman’s/girl’s morality and ethics. Our clothes are also simultaneously expected to be a tool used to control men’s morality and ethics; there is a false notion circulating that women can control men and keep ourselves safe by our clothing choices. What utter nonsense … Clothing is not the issue; society is. As long as we shift the blame for the harassment or the harm caused to women back on to women nothing will be resolved. Clothes do not maketh the woman, but actions maketh the man (and woman)!

Remember how you were at that age

Journalist Tracey Spicer believes it is also important for us to reflect honestly on how we dressed as young women. She says, “What I really hate are the casually sexist comments about how young women are dressed for a night on the town. All this ‘They look like hookers!’ and ‘They’re asking for it’ stuff. For goodness sake, I used to dress in revealing outfits at that age as I was discovering my sexuality. That doesn’t mean I was asking to be sexually assaulted.”

This is not to say that we shouldn’t talk to our daughters about which clothes might be most appropriate for an occasion, just as you might with your son, as ultimately we all have to adhere to dress codes at some point in our lives, but you should take the moral judgement out of the discussion.

Also, keep in mind that just as we may now shudder at the memory of the huge shoulder pads and neon prints we wore in the ‘80s, so too may your daughter look back and cringe at some of her clothing choices when she is older. In the interim, don’t alienate her.

“Girls are so bitchy!”

There’s a popular belief that girls are almost genetically predisposed to gossip and be nasty to one another. In contrast, boys are simple creatures who sort disagreements out by throwing a few punches. The latter physical violence almost dismissed as being harmless.

In our current culture that mocks teen girl friendships and highlights the negative ‘mean girl’ stereotypes, it is easy for us to forget just how genuine and healing the bonds young women develop can be. When I talk to girls in schools, they tell me their girlfriends are the people they feel most understand them, support them and love them.

However, it is true that the teen girl world can also be a place filled with cliques, secrets and gossip. But we mustn’t automatically assume all of that politicking is always destructive. There is plenty of research to show that close friendships – the sort developed largely through the sharing of hidden truths – also serve vital functions in promoting a sense of self-worth and belonging. Many researchers in fact, believe gossip is an evolved psychological adaptation that enabled individuals to achieve social success in our ancestral environments.

Sharing is caring

In theirJournal of Applied Social Psychologyarticle ‘Who Do We Tell and Whom Do We Tell On? Gossip as a Strategy for Status Enhancement’, researchers McAndrew, Bell and Garcia argue, “Gossip can be an efficient way to remind group members of the importance of the group’s norms and values; an effective deterrent to deviance; and a tool for punishing those who transgress.”

And it seems it’s not just young girls who are instinctively drawn to information sharing. In her bookDeep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, Professor of Applied Psychology Niobe Way argues that boys’ relationships in early to middle adolescence rely too on sharing ‘deep secrets’. Way states, “Boys openly expressed to us their love for their friends and emphasized that sharing ‘deep’ secrets was the most important aspect of their closest male friendships … I realised that the larger culture has ignored these patterns among boys…”

Way goes on to explain that due to cultural pressures to become a ‘man’ during late adolescence (and thus be emotionally stoic and autonomous), boys begin to lose their closest male friendships. They become more distrustful of their male peers and in some cases, become less willing to express their emotions. “They start sounding, in other words, like gender stereotypes,” she says.

Friendships matter

It seems secrets may well be timeless fundamental building blocks in building positive, strong friendships for both genders. Adolescents with close friendships have lower rates of depression, suicide, drug use and gang membership. And they are more likely to stay at school. For young men who seem to struggle most with feelings of isolation and a lack of belonging during late adolescence, could it be that we need to stop demonising the sharing of secrets and labelling this act as solely the domain of gossip girls?

We need to remind ourselves too that we often expect girls to know instinctively how to tend to relationships and sort things out when there is a falling out, when they may well have few skills to fall back on. Who shows girls how to navigate girl world respectfully? Where do they get taught how to handle their complex emerging friendships? Schools struggle with an already crowded curriculum and the pressure to prepare students for external exams, and the soap operas they may watch on television tend to be filled with drama and tumultuous interactions.

Providing solid friendships strategies (everything from how to make new friends to how to resolve conflict respectfully) and positive role modelling (we all know plenty of adults of both genders who use gossip in a destructive way too) is vital work for those who care for young women.

“One mistake and you’ll be ruined!”

We are in the midst of an overprotective parenting trend known as ‘cotton wool’ or ‘parachute’ parenting. This is when adults try to protect their kids from every conceivable danger or conflict. This trend is often particularly prevalent among the parents of girls. Which is because we have been culturally conditioned to see girls as more fragile and in need of support.

The urge to protect our children is a natural one. However, even though our intentions may be good, when we overprotect, we are taking away much-needed learning opportunities. These are both to learn from our mistakes and from the disappointments that every one of us must face in life.

What the experts say

Author, speaker and women’s advocate Nina Funnell warns too about the dangers of using fear-based education. This highlights the worst possible outcome as a means of changing teen behaviour:

The most dangerous thing we can ever say to a young person is that there is no way forward, no light at the end of the tunnel, no possibility of recovery … If a young person has made a mistake, catastrophising the situation will only lead to catastrophic outcomes. Already we have seen one case in America where a teen took her life following a school seminar which reinforced the notion that she could never get a job or a university degree since she had already made an online mistake. Instead of this doom and gloom approach, we need to help teens develop resilience, the strength to overcome setbacks, and the insight to be able to put their mistakes into context.

We have known for some time now that, apart from anything else, invoking fear frankly just doesn’t work. When we present only examples of possible catastrophes, threats and dangers, we shut down learning.

How much more powerful it is to share with our girls our own stories of personal failures and setbacks. And then to explain how we bounced back.

And when our teen girls do trip up? We must try not to say, “I told you so.” Even if we did tell them so!

5 Things we must never say to our daughters (3)

By Dannielle Miller

Danielle is a highly experienced educator and the co-founder and CEO of Enlighten Education, Australia’s leading provider of in-school workshops for teen girls on body image, self-esteem and empowerment. She is the author or co-author of four books, including The Girl with the Butterfly Tattoo, about helping girls claim their power, and Loveability, a girl’s guide to dating and relationships. She writes for magazines, newspapers such as The Daily Telegraph and popular opinion sites. And she is a regular social commentator on television and radio. Dannielle actively supports a number of causes and is on the board of The Sanctuary, a domestic violence shelter. She and her company have been recognised with numerous awards. Danni is a huge fan of Wonder Woman, friends who make a snorting sound when they laugh, and wearing ugg boots in winter. To find out more about Dannielle, go to www.danniellemiller.com.

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5 Things we must never say to our daughters (4)


5 Things we must never say to our daughters (2024)

FAQs

What every daughter wants to hear from her father? ›

“I love you.”

The world can often infer the idea that love is transactional, we are loved for what we do or what we offer. Our daughters need to know they are loved for who they are. It is important to let them know nothing they do can change the love we have for them.

What should a parent not say to their child? ›

Here are five toxic phrases parents should strip from their vocabulary:
  • "We'll never afford that." ...
  • "You make me so mad." ...
  • "I hate my job." ...
  • "I have to go to the store." ...
  • "Everything will be okay."
Nov 1, 2019

How a father treats his daughter? ›

She needs your unconditional love.

Just as our Father in Heaven demonstrates unconditional love, fathers on earth need to display this as well. Unconditional love requires that a daughter knows no matter how badly she messes up, her father will be there, not to ridicule and demean but to forgive.

How should you treat your daughter? ›

Affirm her beauty (compliments, validating her unique look and style). Regularly choose her over sports, work, hobbies, technology (a.k.a. distractions). Embrace her femininity (show and express your happiness in her as your daughter). Treat her with respect, chivalry, honor (be the man you want her to marry).

Why daughters love their father the most? ›

Daughters feel their emotional needs met by their fathers. They feel his approval when they're happy, and also are more likely to be attended to when they're sad. Of course, this adds fuel to the fire of the gender debate on sons inability to express emotions as adults being a result of how they are raised.

What every girl needs from her father? ›

Not every girl or woman is the same, of course, but almost every girl desires a close bond with this most significant man in her life. She will adore him if he loves and protects her and if she finds safety and warmth in his arms.

What is disrespect to a parent? ›

A disrespectful child is a child who shows a lack of respect or consideration towards their parents, siblings, or other authority figures. This can include behaviors such as talking back, ignoring, or disregarding rules and boundaries, and using rude or inappropriate language.

What would a toxic parent say? ›

The most common toxic behavior of parents is to criticize their child, express self-wishes, complain about the difficulties of raising a child, make unhealthy comparisons, and make hurtful statements1. These kinds of comments can cause permanent damage to the social, psychological, and emotional growth of a child.

What is not a good parent? ›

There are some things that are generally considered “bad” by anyone. Physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse are the most serious and damaging behavior traits that most of us equate with bad parenting. These are things that should be immediately addressed with professional help.

Which parent is more important to a daughter? ›

Fathers serve as the first male figure and role models in their daughter's life. This is why a loving and strong father-daughter relationship can positively impact a girl's assertiveness and self-confidence.

What makes a good girl dad? ›

Respect her uniqueness.

Make sure your daughter knows that you love her for who she is. See her as a whole person capable of doing anything. Treat her and those she loves with respect.

Why do dads get distance themselves from their daughters? ›

Often, when their daughters go through puberty, dads can feel uncertain regarding how to relate to them and have difficulty understanding how best to communicate with them. They may feel afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and choose to distance themselves rather than potentially causing harm.

What does an unhealthy mother-daughter relationship look like? ›

This can manifest in several ways. One common way toxic mothers overstep boundaries with their daughters is by micromanaging their lives. If your mother continues to dictate your appearance, career, or romantic choices, or even meddles in your life long after you've reached adulthood, that is a sign of toxicity.

How do I make sure my daughter feels loved? ›

To help children feel loved, parents should schedule time for play. Playing games and being silly together can help you bond with your children. Parents should also make a point to really listen to their kids. Put down your electronics and give them your full attention when they talk to you.

How should daughters treat their mothers? ›

5 ways for adult daughters to bring mom closer
  1. Appreciate the role she's played. Acknowledge and appreciate your mom's role in your life and how she has helped you along the way. ...
  2. Show her gratitude. ...
  3. Let your mom continue to influence you. ...
  4. Let her be part of your family. ...
  5. Dedicate time to continue traditions with your mom.
Jul 21, 2021

What should fathers say to their daughters? ›

21 Positive Phrases Dads Can Say to Their Kids:
  • I love you. (You can never tell them this enough.)
  • I appreciate you.
  • You can do it. ...
  • I love how you care about others.
  • I'm proud of you and of who you are.
  • Being your dad is my favorite job in the world.
  • You are enough just as you are.
  • You are fun to have around.
Oct 29, 2021

How dads should talk to their daughters? ›

You can be a better father to your daughter by listening to her perspective, discussing rules (rather than dictating them), praising her intelligence or creativity, letting her take the lead during quality time, and talking respectfully about women.

What is the most important thing a father can give to his child? ›

“They told me that the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother.”

What is the greatest thing a father can do for his daughter? ›

The greatest thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother.

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